So called 'lovers'

I have decided. I won't act like such a whore anymore. I won't sleep with strangers and I won't sleep on first dates anymore! I won't! It's not like I don't like it at all. But I hate the feeling when you are talking to someone, but you know that he isn't even listening and he doesn't even care at all, all he wants is to get me into bed. I can't describe how awful that makes me feel sometimes. And I can't sleep with a complete jerk, just because he's got his ass full of money. I can't do it.

So, there is this guy who I really like and he likes me, it's obvious. And you know what? We have been going out for a couple of times and we haven't had sex. Imagine? That is an improvement for me. And he likes me as I am and that makes me smile.

I have committed to myself that I won't spend this year's valentines day alone. I'm sick of being alone. I want to go to bed with arms around me and wake up with a smile. I want it to be personal, not just another fuck. But I'm not sure if I am ready for another relationship just yet, I broke up with my boyfriend two months ago, but it seems like ages. It's so hard to admit that I miss him so much, but I'm ignoring these thoughts and I won't admit it, 'cause then I will feel week. Week & alone.

I don't feel so bad about my weight anymore, I know I'm not fat, but sometimes I really feel like it. And what I hate the most is that when I eat I usually don't get a chance to visit my old friend mia anymore. I haven't been vomiting on purpose at all this year! Is that good or bad? And I didn't go to the gym yesterday, I was too exhausted. And I don't get to go to trainings this week and that is bad! I am on holiday in a different country. I like it here, but every thing's so complicated that I don't understand what's really going on in my life. And I am so fucking stupid! I forgot my passport at home and crossed two borders and thank god no one asked me for my documents! But I'm going back by plane, so I had to go to the embassy to get some kind of document so I can get home.

Thank you for reading this, it means a lot to me. And I value your opinions high.

Stay strong and stay thin! Love you! :)

Smiling

I am truly happy. And I'm writing this article with a big smile on my face.
So, I haven't been eating for 5days now. It's not like I don't eat at all, but I eat just a little. And I have almost lost my appetite. And today I felt brave enough to step up on a scale. And guess what? I was 64.6, now I'm 60, 8. I have lost 3.8kg. That is so great! And I look thinner too, but the best thing is that I FEEL thin. I can see my hipbones sticking out. I know I'm not thin enough, but I'll get there. I want to celebrate this, but I can't, tomorrow I gotta get up early and go to work. But that's ok.
Plus, I look amazing today, I feel like I'm glowing. Went shopping yesterday, got so many great clothes.
Now, who do I have call to have some fun tonight?

It's all new

It's the first day of my new life. Of my new "thin" life. After these holidays I feel super fat. But yesterday, thank god something was wrong with my stummick, so I didn't eat, just a little. I can't wait to get back to the city, to get away from my parents house. Here it's hard to be friends with my lovelies - ana and mia. But once I get back, I am gonna fast. I will try to at least.
And my crazy lifestyle will start once again. Cause after I broke up with my boyfriend (yes, I am bisexual) I couldn't get over it and I was just sitting alone and suffering. And when I suffer, I eat, so there's no wonder I gained some kilos. So, now I am officialy not thinking about him anymore. But his place must be filled with someone. So you can call me a whore if you like that, but I am gonna go out there and have some fun. And to offers I used to say 'no' to, I am gonna say 'yes'!
I don't actualy know if you want to hear about these things. Should I just write about my battle with my weight or should I write about my crazy adventures too? I can't write about these things in my primary blog, but I sure can on this. But the question is: Do you want to hear about it? Just let me know.
Now I am gonna go and read a book, trying not to think about any kind of food. I'll better make some tea. Writing this down really helps me, I will be strong. And I hope you will be too.